My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The beer is more important than you right now.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
