Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize