i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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