by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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