he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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