someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
