she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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