I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
