youre lurking in front of me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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