i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
