What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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