if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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