I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
