She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
