i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The air was thick with penises
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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