He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
