u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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