Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
