I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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