You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
