I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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