did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
