bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
