Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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