My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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