Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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