New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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