Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
