meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
