I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
