i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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