Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize