when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
