I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
