Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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