I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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