...so i touched it.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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