billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
