not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize