My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
