Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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