the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize