He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
