There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
