I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
