It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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