I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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