Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
NoShamevember. You game?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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