I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
