he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
