I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
How external is "for external use only"?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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