and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Randomize
