how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
