but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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