Pappa wants mamma naked
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
