Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
