Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
