Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I skipped work to stalk him.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
