After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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