Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
