I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
We smell like vodka and hangover
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
